Fever Ray, fever ray, a solo project by Swedish musician Karin Dreijer Andersson (thanks to Janice Anee Hunter)
Broadcast, tender buttons
Broken Social Scene, feel good lost
My general mood:
On the edge of a sharp knife.
Sunlight is my friend, but now that it is light until almost 1230 I am starting to see cracks forming in our relationship. I’ve been wearing my eye pillow as prescribed by my wife, but my brainwaves seem to be cued into this prolonged day and no eye pillow in the world will help me now. See the outline below for a short synopsis of the things I have been thinking about, and please discuss as you see fit.
I. Birth and related activites
A. Procreation
1. The sexual act, interpreted
a. a sin
b. a blessing
c. a trigger for the release of chemicals in the brain
d. a power relationship
e. how did sex become taboo?
f. are we hard-wired to be uncomfortable with
sex by default, or are we programmed by
culture to feel this way?
g. are there different types of sex?
h. if so, are some inherently morally wrong?
B. Babies
1. The right to children
a. 14 children and on welfare
b. no children and aren’t allowed to adopt
d. two kids are enough
c. who has the right to make these decisions?
d. what about when these decisions affect a
large number of people?
e. how many people can the earth support?
II. The past
A. Memory
1. Things you can’t forget, even when you
desperately want to
a. lost love, unrequited love, etc.
b. the pain of loneliness. The pain of everything, actually
c. missed opportunities of all shapes and sizes
d. how good things were some other time
e. certain songs, when they seem to mean something
beyond the obvious
f. what makes something unforgettable?
g. how can these memories become so overwhelming?
g. when it becomes difficult to carry these memories
any further, how can they be gotten rid of?
2. Things you can’t remember
a. how good things are right now
b. birthdays
c. details, when they matter most
d. how many people care about you
e. why are the most obvious things the hardest to
keep in mind?
f. why is it hard to remember the good things and
easy to remember the bad things in life?
B. History
1. Things you are ashamed of
a. hurting other people
b. hurting yourself
c. poor decisions in general
d. should guilt have an expiration date?
e. If you apologize, even years after the offense,
are you exonerated?
f. why can some people put the past behind
them while others can’t?
g. if something is a secret that that no one else
knows about, can you still be ashamed of it?
2. Things you are proud of
a. helping other people
b. accomplishments that have helped you get where
you are right now
c. if something is a secret, can you still be proud of it?
III. The Present
A. Here and now
1. Waking up
a. coffee, food, morning medication
b. say goodbye to your partner so he/she can go off to
work/play/whatever
c. think about yesterday
d. think about tomorrow
e. browse the internet
f. why is it so difficult to start the day?
2. Doing stuff all day long, just like the other days
a. eat lunch
b. try desperately to concentrate on one single task and
complete said task
c. browse the internet
d. even the exciting life is monotonous. Why?
3. Winding down
a. eat dinner
b. converse with your partner, see how he/she is
c. feel guilty about not accomplishing more in the day
d. browse the internet
e. evening medication
f. go to sleep
g. some people say that all of this time on the computer and
tied to other technology is killing us slowly. Is this true?
h. every day is different, but every day is ultimately the
same.
IV. The Future
A. Everything that will ever happen to you
1. Things that cause anxiety simply because you think of them
a. health
b. failure of any kind
c. hurting others
d. losing someone you love
e. hurting yourself
f. keeping secrets
g. divulging secrets
i. new opportunities
j. if you don’t understand something, and we all can’t
predict the future, is it best to be afraid?
h. how do you defeat these anxieties?
i. some people recommend not thinking too much about
the future.
Is this a legitimate way to avoid anxiety, or does it
seem irresponsible?
2. Things that cause excitement, and perhaps subsequently
anxiety
a. a meaningful relationship
b. a family
c. breakthroughs and the opportunities they present
3. Things that just cause excitement
V. Death and dying
A. Details
1. The bits that matter
a. being afraid of dying
b. the grief of those around you
c. the comfort and closure for those around you
d. is fear of death a modern cultural construct?
e. why is it so difficult to lose someone close to you?
f. is there a physical or scientific way to describe grief?
2. Rites and rituals
a. Interment of the dead, ancestor worship, funeral customs
b. why would anyone want to be buried in the ground
for the rest of eternity?
c. is it ethically sound for a hole in the ground to cost so
much money?
B. The part afterwards, i.e. the soul
1. Where you go (adherents and people who might end up there)
a. heaven (christians, jews, mothers, suicide bombers, etc.)
b. hell (Christians, jews, mothers, infidels,
satanists (happily?), etc.)
c. limbo (catholics, infants, etc.)
d. nowhere at all (me?, richard dawkins, earthworms, etc.)
e. can the existence of an afterlife be determined using
any current system of understanding?
f. alternatively, will the mere existence of an afterlife
always be a question of faith?
2. Who determines where you go
a. god, allah, yahweh, etc.
b. no one at all
c. does all of faith boil down to what happens to you
when you die?
d. is it possible that a set of rules as laid down or indicated
by a higher power determines the circumstances of
your afterlife?
Are these thoughts the hallmarks of higher consciousness? How did we develop this sense of philosophy, a desire to understand the world around us completely? As we move further and further into a new understanding of the world around us, as we are confronted with an increasingly insurmountable wall of information, I think we actually lose the ability to answer these questions adequately. The mystery simply deepens.
My time alone here has led me to frequently play that most dangerous mental game, the what-if game, where you pick a point in time where a choice was made and you meticulously reconstruct reality starting with taking the other path. Superficially this seems harmless, but it requires a re-evaluation of everything important that has happened since that point. It never turns out good for me, no matter how appealing the other decision might be in retrospect.
This outline is a work in progress. I have been sitting on it for a while, concerned that it was too personal and perhaps offensive. Really I just want people to think, and perhaps to help me think a bit more clearly too.
The next installment, pending response to this entry, might include Dreams and Art.
I think asking the question of how many humans can the earth support is like asking how long can a body hold off a virus before it’s consumed and destroyed. So I guess my response to that would be far, far less than the 6 billion + we have now.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate this post and it’s probably because I’ve been teetering on the same line of a healthy amount of alone time to think/ reevaluate and the point in which you desperately need a distraction from your thoughts. Religion especially has been a big thing on my mind and I’ve been trying to gather the thoughts more coherently so I can write them down.
And I’d obviously be very interested in reading thoughts on dreams so I think you should definitely post those.
And just as an afterthought... You remind me of a younger Kim Sloane in that photo.
I have been thinking a lot about reconciliation these days. Okay, so I admit I read "eat pray love" a few years ago and she writes about a moment where she reconciled with her ex-husband. Only she did it by herself, in her mind. I don't know if that is really possible. I am too chicken to reconcile with some people I know I've really hurt, even though in my mind I have acted a penance play over and over again and envisioned a forgiveness scenario. In this regard I think constantly moving and looking forward is a little bit of a cop out. On the other hand, I (we) don't really have time for regret, do we? I am happy that your lovely wife will be there to rescue you from yourself and the important but maddening loneliness. Oh yeah, and rainstorm decals are cool.
ReplyDeleteLindsey, the question of controlling population is very tricky, and your virus analogy is perfect. We can plan some discussions in the Fall when everyone is back. It might be nice to talk about some serious things with the whole group. I am curious to hear about your take on religion.
ReplyDeleteKaty, I struggle with this internal reconciliation, as it is actually quite self-serving. Perhaps all instances of forgiveness are meant to assuage the guilt of the assailant and ultimately do very little for the victim. I always assumed that all guilt would just fade away, but some doesn't. Maybe you agree. Last year I looked up a younger guy from high school that I remember bullying in gym class. It was something simple, I think I just jumped on the bandwagon with the rest of the guys because he was a young soccer kid. We chatted for a bit, and then I brought it up and apologized. He said that he had no recollection, but that he really appreciated my apology and respected me for actually making the effort. I felt slightly better after. I always seem to make time for regret, which is perhaps a character flaw. I am also good at forgiveness. Though it is quite cliche, the trick is discovering how to forgive yourself.
I can't wait for Kristin to get here.
Case, that's a lot to think about?
ReplyDeleteHow do you feel about horoscopes?
we can talk about horoscopes. tell me how you feel about them?
ReplyDeleteIt's not something I live my life by, but I do like to read them and feel they are usually true. I think they definitely suggest different paths in ones life. It's a very interesting subject; I don't really know much about it, just the basics.
ReplyDeleteI find them most interesting at the end of the day or when reading one from the previous day. I like to see if something from my horoscope has actually happened.
How do you feel about them? Do you ever read yours?
I never got into horoscopes. Actually, scratch that. I used to love reading the horoscopes in The Onion, which is really an ironic parody paper. I guess those don't count.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, after you first posted, I did read your horoscope. It gave me some insight into why you are having so many thoughts and how they are related. You should read your horoscope, but more importantly you should look up your astrological profile. I will give you something new to contemplate.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your long outline of thoughts goes, I don't have much to say. I do think about some of the same things often, but not all of them by any means. As per my astrological profile, I enjoy reading your thoughts, but I will not be ready to comment until I find I have something constructive to say. I'm a listener - I put everybody else, especially their feelings, before myself, and I have a hard time remembering to take care of myself - but mostly, I'm a dreamer.
I have always found that traveling alone brings many questions, but often some insight into one's nature. There is a different kind of unstructured time, and less of our normal diversions, and no of our usual companions. When we are removed from our comfort zone and all of our usual constructs, we can see ourselves as we are, rather than ourselves as conforming or reactionary beings. A fascinating/ terrifying process.
ReplyDeleteThis is what I have been trying to understand. Easy or Empty? I am not really sure.
1. Why does it seems like I don't really have feelings anymore (except, on occasion a slight feeling of suffocation)?
a. getting older makes everything flow more smoothly by & you have more perspective
b. you eventually realize most things aren't as important as they once seemed. nothing matters, not really (but in a good way?)
c. your life is a farce
d. you are a cold person (a poet says your heart is like radioactive material buried under concrete)
e. you are numb
f. the internet has eaten your soul
g. you are reaching a buddhist-like state of pure emptiness, free from desire and expectations, therefore free from suffering
h. you live completely in the present
i. you live in a soulless town (if a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one there to hear it...)
j. you are surrounded by emotional bricks
k. the temporality of things is too overwhelming
l. the distance of good friends is too great
m. your life is too safe and no longer inspires passion. even challenges don't really seem that challenging. you've stayed up all night making art. you've tried. you've failed. you've succeeded. you've loved. you've lost. you are neutral. you need to escape.
n. all of the above?